New Retirement Policy

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To: ALL Personnel

From: Management


As a result of the reduction on money budgeted for Departmental areas, we are forced to cut down our number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via early retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The Program shall be known as RAPE (retired aged personnel early).

Employees who are RAPED, will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the system, Provided that while they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the operation will be called SCREW (survey of capability of retired early workers). All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED, may also apply for a trial review with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (study by higher authority following termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, dictated that employees who have been RAPED once and SCREWED twice, may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, He or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a Benefit Plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue it's policy to ensure that the employees are well trained through our SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.