Quotable Quotes

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Quotable Quotes

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.' --John Wing

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. --anonymous

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex. --Lenny Clarke

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. --Rich Jeni

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White shark, or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. --Kevin James

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. --Stephen Wright

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. --Emo Philips

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' --Emo Philips

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. --Lily Tomlin

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.- Tim Steeves

My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading. --Emo Philips

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. --anonymous

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? --Marsha Warfield

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.' --Rich Jeni

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. --Rich Jeni

Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' --Jeff Green

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ... ' Is it in ? ' --Ongbun

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. --Jimmy Shubert

(On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. --Rich Jeni

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. --Christopher Case

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents. --William Coronel

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. --Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? --George Carlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, You'll never find anyone like me again! I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that? --Jay Leno

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. --Lily Tomlin

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. --Dave Barry

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? --Warren Hutcherson

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' -- Paula Poundstone

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. --Jerry Seinfeld

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? --Rita Rudner

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there --Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? --Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? --Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. --Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? --Lily Tomlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. --Ellen DeGeneris